Posted by Denver Date Doctor | Posted in | Posted on 1:55 PM
Something "Maverick-y"
I just read a very refreshing blog today. If you want to check it out go to http://50jdates.blogspot.com/
This is her story:
She, for the purposes of this blog we'll call her "Beth", is a Jewish girl who is dating a non-Jewish guy. Not only is he not Jewish, he lives in Europe. She loves him and wants to marry him, but he does not want to convert. She has been looking for signs to stay with him or to leave him but she has not found any. She is not sure if she thinks she can't marry him because she wants to marry a Jewish guy, or because of her mother's disapproval. She has talked to Rabbis and family members and friends and they all say that she needs to marry a Jewish guy. If she decides to stay with him she would also be moving to Europe to be with him for two years and then he would move back home with her to raise a family. He is very open to her customs and her religion. He went to spend the Jewish holidays with her and her family, participated in all the customs and even went to synagogue with them. He just doesn't think its right to convert for marriage and therefore does not want to do it. He hopes she will change her mind about marrying a non-Jew and be open minded to moving to Europe to start a life with him.
This is her Challenge:
She has agreed to go on 50 dates with Jewish men. If she is not meant to be with her boyfriend then she feels that she is bound to find her soul mate within the 50 dates. She is doing this challenge with an open mind to find a Jewish husband. However, if she doesn’t find one then she will know that her boyfriend is the one and that they are meant to be. She will be dating Jewish guys between the ages of 26 and 32 from her hometown. she will not turn anyone down who asks her out, or is set up to meet on a blind date. She will be open to meeting anyone that thinks he could be the one. She has no idea where she will even begin to find these guys or how long this challenge will take, but she thinks this is the only way she will ever know if she and her boyfriend are meant to be together. She then has a date-by-date account of her romantic happenings. If you want to follow her blog, she will keep you posted about how the dates go and what the dating scene is like today. She is both excited and terrified and feels like she has a lot on the line here. But since God doesn't want to give her a “sign in neon lights”, this is the next best idea that she has come up with.
I find Beth's blog very interesting, because she is really stepping outside the box and attempting to do something "Maverick-y". read my blog: The Dreaded "D" Word. I also like some aspects of her approach, but I want to take a few moments to dissect her concept and ways that women can grow from her experience.
1. The non-negotiable list
In her blog she mentions that she discussed her "non-negotiables" with one of the men she went on a date with. My definition of non-negotiables are those things that you simply cannot tolerate, long-term, within a committed relationship. This is such a great idea and has been one that I recommend for all of my clients looking to find "the one". If you do not have one I suggest you create one before your next date. If you need help with it, send me an e-mail.
2. Finding one's counterpoint within another
It often takes years to find a soul mate. Many people search an entire life-time without ever finding their soul mate. While 50 dates might do it, statistics would suggest that it is very unlikely, especially if she only searches in her hometown. In addition, If she is still in love with her European beau, how can she truly open her heart to another man? If he is the measuring stick to which every other man must measure up, can anyone ever make the cut?
3. Love is not blind, it sees more!
My sister told me a great quote once and it goes something like this, "Love is not blind, it sees more, but because you are in love you are willing to see less". This quote is shockingly true. And I want to draw your attention to some unresolved fundamental flaws in this Europe-North America relationship. In an article written by Graham Inge, he lists differences in religion as one of the major causes of divorce in America. In her story Beth's boyfriend is very sensitive to her religious beliefs and this is great, but she admitted that he has no interest in converting to Judaism. And, even if he were to convert (simply for the sake of marriage), would he ever truly "buy-in" to the religious concept. if not, how would her kids be raised (Jewish or his religion)? Finally, if he doesn't choose to convert, how would her family take it? Would he be ostracized, or welcomed into the family?
4. Pay attention to early signs
As Oscar Wilde once wrote, "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." Beth must take a very hard look at the trend that is being set. In the beginnings of this relationship, she is being asked to compromise on a fundamental religious issue and make a drastic move halfway across the world. Is this a one-time compromise, or is she setting herself up for a future of self-sacrifice with little, or no reciprocity?
If you are looking for a creative way to jump start your dating life, this is definitely one way to step outside the box, but please understand your objective and the manner with which you decide to proceed. If you really want to zero in on what you need and create your non-negotiable list, look into doing some relationship rehab and really find out what you need in a soul mate and where you're going. Then, put on your "fun shoes" and get ready to hit the dating scene with vengeance! Your perfect guy is out there, you just have to know who you're looking for and where to find him...
- Denver Date Doctor
If you have a dating question write to: DenverDateDoctor@gmail.com
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