Posted by Denver Date Doctor | Posted in | Posted on 9:51 AM
Dating Symptoms
Dear Denver Date Doctor,
So.... having been recently divorced I feel like I am not ready for a relationship but am not crazy about dating. Months ago someone I grew up with reconnected with me on FB and he too was recently divorced from his wife of 15 years. We talked about growing up in the small town we did (we were friends and never dated) and our mutual friends and how great it is to have reconnected with so many people. We also agreed to get together when he was in town for the holidays (he lives in a different state).
We planned a rather causal meeting; drinks in a group setting of others we grew up with plus new friends. We immediately connected and after spending a few hours talking, we ended up sleeping together. The connection was amazing. In the morning I was concerned that it would be awkward but that could not have been further from the truth. He confessed that he had wanted to be with me for the last 25 years and had been fantasizing about this very moment. I found it sweet and in the days that followed, we spent quite a bit of time together and it all seemed oddly comfortable.
My question is this: I have often made fun of people who reconnect and then immediately take it all very seriously. I have no complaints and it has all been lovely but I am beginning to think he is far more serious than I am. For me, this relationship is perfect for now. He is sweet, I know both him and his family, I was pleasantly surprised at the physical chemistry, and he has been nothing but sweet and lets me know every day that he is thinking about me but I am really focused on work and kids and am not ready to commit completely to another relationship. He seems to want to text, talk and email several times a day and I am getting the feeling that if he wasn't worried it would scare me off, the L word might be said. Much of it, I think is because I was a crush of his in high school. How do you set a pace for a relationship in the early stages when truthfully, I believe there may be potential, I am just not ready to move as fast as he may be?
"Looking for a Pace-Maker" in Denver
Date Diagnosis
Let me start this one by pointing out a few key points you made in your question.
- Both you and he have been divorced
- You grew up together in a small town
- Great physical connection
- You are really happy with things the way they currently are
- You believe there may be potential
Honestly, with those five things, it sounds like you have the makings of a great relationship, with the exception of #1. Let's take a second to dissect each of these before we move forward. With regard to divorce, please read my blog "The Dreaded "D" Word" at www.denverdatedoctor.com. It has a lot of good information to think about and I think it's important to underscore the fact that you are 100% right to want to move slowly with this one. Keep in mind that there are reasons why BOTH OF YOU are currently divorced and this fact should not be taken lightly.
With that being said, it sounds like you really have a lot in common with him and may have a future... My advice to you is to think about one of my favorite quotes, "Love is not blind, it sees more, but because you are in love you are willing to see less."
It is very good that you are cautious in this situation. Do your best to observe his actions and ask questions to really find out what he is all about. Ask him about his prior marriage, find out if he can be content while he is single, and most importantly, ask him what his future goals and aspirations are to make sure they are in line with your path in life. There is absolutely NO REASON to fall in love with someone who doesn't have a plan for their life, or has a path that doesn't run parallel with yours.
Finally, if you've given a lot of time to observing, questioning and listening and you find that there still may be something there, don't be afraid to give it a shot. The most important thing I teach my clients is that soul mates are very rare, you have to make sure you have trained yourself to identify them so you can hold on to them when they do!
- Denver Date Doctor
If you have a dating question write to: DenverDateDoctor@gmail.com
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